It's been few days that aku rasa nak menulis tentang ini.. Just that I'm a bit busy with my work so asyik la tertangguh.
For those who knew, it has been 17 days that my second brother passed away. Aku masih lagi bersedih..inside. I'm trying as much as I can not to show it to anybody. Neither my family, nor to my friends. I just act like I'm ok. Nobody knows that I'm still thinking about it, grieving on it and last nite, dreamt about him.
I was in Sarawak that day, 30th November, 2012.
Malam sebelum tu aku mimpi yang anak kepada kakak sepupu aku meninggal. He still a small boy, so pagi 30 November tu aku dok terfikir kan mimpi tu sambil berkata dalam hati, "panjang umur Aiman (sebab firasat orang mengatakan kalau kita mimpi seseorang meninggal, maksudnya orang yang dimimpikan tu akan panjang umur.. Wallahua'lam)"..
I didn't feel anything weird that day, just that I'm so excited to go back to KL and started planning to go to Bentong with my friend on the next day to eat durian. Few days before that, aku plan nak balik Penang, I already browse the flight schedule to fly directly from LCCT (after arriving from Sibu), last minit aku ubah fikiran. Sebab aku rasa sangat rushing kalau nak balik direct on the same day I arrived from Sibu. So, masa tu terfikir, better balik next week je coz I plan to buy IKEA's meatball for my brothers too.
Around 11:30 am aku terima call dari mak ngah dan Ejah (cousin). Tapi aku tak dapat nak pick up the call coz tengah meeting. And then mak ngah sent sms suruh aku call back sebab ada emergency. I had so many bad experience with the word EMERGENCY, so received a text message with an emergency statement is something yang akan buat jantung aku berdegup kencang. Without delay, aku call handphone mak ngah tapi line tak clear. So I went down, go out from the office and aku call handphone Ejah pulak. I'm not so sure whether line tak clear or Ejah was crying, all i can hear from her that time was "Amin...Amin..".. Lagi lah aku panik thinking what has happened to Amin? That time, it doesn't occur to my mind AT ALL, that the news I will receive is about Lan, my second brother. Ejah passed her phone to mak ngah, and until today, I still remember each word that mak ngah said to me, "Mak ngah on the way nak pi Cameron Highland, lepas tu Amin call, dia bagitau abang Lan meninggal..". I don't know how to explain what I felt that time. Aku terduduk kat tapak tiang ofis tu, and I was crying, asking mak ngah whether it's true. Otak aku tak boleh proses the news that time.. I don't understand how it happened and why it has to happened. I was thinking why he left me before I go back to Penang? Why he didn't tell me he was sick like my other brothers did? The last time I met him was on 19th November, 2 weeks before he passed away, why he didn't showed any sign that time? All the stupid questions occured to my mind and make me cried harder. And I was all alone that time, no families around, just few friends that I just knew during this project, make me feel like I'm going to collapse that time. I can't remember the rest of my conversation with mak ngah, yang aku ingat cuma mak ngah keep on saying, "sabar kakak, istighfar banyak2.." and I keep on crying.
After that aku call mama. Mama was so calm, telling me what has happened. Mama kata malam Khamis tu Lan masuk tidur lepas berbual dengan Amin dan mama. Mama kata malam tu dia asyik bergurau dengan Amin, sama-sama tengok gambar burung (their passion) kat internet, and laughed together. And malam tu jugak dia bawak kerusi roda mama, isi angin kat tayar kerusi roda tu (when all this while he never care). On Thursday, he didn't came out from his room at all. Mama did knocked few time through out the day tapi mama ingatkan dia tidur, or maybe dia dah bangun tapi mama tak perasan. One of his habit is to lock his room from inside so memang susah nak tau whether he's sleeping or awake. Came to Friday morning, he still didn't came out so mama dah rasa tak sedap hati. Mama asked Amin to break the door. When Amin and his friend broke the door, they found out Lan's body lying on his mattress, turning blue. He has left us by the time they found his body. Mama's story made me cry harder. I feel a very sharp pain inside knowing that my brother might be stuggling with pain before he passed away, and he was all alone. I keep on thinking that I should be there that time.. Same like mak ngah, mama keep on asking me untuk sabar, istighfar..everytime she heard me crying. I asked mama to wait for me before performing the funeral, but mama said she prefer to settle it as soon as possible. Doctor confirmed that Lan has passed away about 12 hours before they found him due to heart attack. For that duration of time, it is not a good idea to keep the body for some more time. So, bila aku fikir secara rasional, yea, i shouldn't be selfish and asked them to wait for me. Aku tak sanggup nak siksa jenazah Lan so aku cakap kat mama, "Takpe lah, tak payah tunggu kakak.."
The rest of the day was a history, I arrived Penang at 11 pm that night, everything has settled, all my uncles, aunties, cousins were at my house, everybody were there except Lan. On Monday morning, I went to visit his grave, I recited ya'sin for him and that is the second time I cried again.
Adik,
Semua yang berlaku ni sebenarnya macam mimpi untuk mama, kakak, amin dan seluruh keluarga kita. Pemergian adik memang tak terduga lansung, dan pemergian adik buat semua orang sedih, membuktikan betapa semua orang sayang kan adik. Kakak redha adik pergi. Kakak doakan kesejahteraan adik di sana. Walaupun dalam hati kakak masih sedih dan terkilan sebab tak sempat jumpa adik, tapi kakak yakin rancangan Allah adalah yang terbaik untuk kita semua. Kita akan jumpa lagi di akhirat nanti.. Insyaallah.. Damailah adik di sana. Kami akan kekal merindui adik, abah dan Jiji..
Al - Fatihah
(Nur Azlan bin Md Baki - 04.03.1978 - 30.11.2012)
For those who knew, it has been 17 days that my second brother passed away. Aku masih lagi bersedih..inside. I'm trying as much as I can not to show it to anybody. Neither my family, nor to my friends. I just act like I'm ok. Nobody knows that I'm still thinking about it, grieving on it and last nite, dreamt about him.
I was in Sarawak that day, 30th November, 2012.
Malam sebelum tu aku mimpi yang anak kepada kakak sepupu aku meninggal. He still a small boy, so pagi 30 November tu aku dok terfikir kan mimpi tu sambil berkata dalam hati, "panjang umur Aiman (sebab firasat orang mengatakan kalau kita mimpi seseorang meninggal, maksudnya orang yang dimimpikan tu akan panjang umur.. Wallahua'lam)"..
I didn't feel anything weird that day, just that I'm so excited to go back to KL and started planning to go to Bentong with my friend on the next day to eat durian. Few days before that, aku plan nak balik Penang, I already browse the flight schedule to fly directly from LCCT (after arriving from Sibu), last minit aku ubah fikiran. Sebab aku rasa sangat rushing kalau nak balik direct on the same day I arrived from Sibu. So, masa tu terfikir, better balik next week je coz I plan to buy IKEA's meatball for my brothers too.
Around 11:30 am aku terima call dari mak ngah dan Ejah (cousin). Tapi aku tak dapat nak pick up the call coz tengah meeting. And then mak ngah sent sms suruh aku call back sebab ada emergency. I had so many bad experience with the word EMERGENCY, so received a text message with an emergency statement is something yang akan buat jantung aku berdegup kencang. Without delay, aku call handphone mak ngah tapi line tak clear. So I went down, go out from the office and aku call handphone Ejah pulak. I'm not so sure whether line tak clear or Ejah was crying, all i can hear from her that time was "Amin...Amin..".. Lagi lah aku panik thinking what has happened to Amin? That time, it doesn't occur to my mind AT ALL, that the news I will receive is about Lan, my second brother. Ejah passed her phone to mak ngah, and until today, I still remember each word that mak ngah said to me, "Mak ngah on the way nak pi Cameron Highland, lepas tu Amin call, dia bagitau abang Lan meninggal..". I don't know how to explain what I felt that time. Aku terduduk kat tapak tiang ofis tu, and I was crying, asking mak ngah whether it's true. Otak aku tak boleh proses the news that time.. I don't understand how it happened and why it has to happened. I was thinking why he left me before I go back to Penang? Why he didn't tell me he was sick like my other brothers did? The last time I met him was on 19th November, 2 weeks before he passed away, why he didn't showed any sign that time? All the stupid questions occured to my mind and make me cried harder. And I was all alone that time, no families around, just few friends that I just knew during this project, make me feel like I'm going to collapse that time. I can't remember the rest of my conversation with mak ngah, yang aku ingat cuma mak ngah keep on saying, "sabar kakak, istighfar banyak2.." and I keep on crying.
After that aku call mama. Mama was so calm, telling me what has happened. Mama kata malam Khamis tu Lan masuk tidur lepas berbual dengan Amin dan mama. Mama kata malam tu dia asyik bergurau dengan Amin, sama-sama tengok gambar burung (their passion) kat internet, and laughed together. And malam tu jugak dia bawak kerusi roda mama, isi angin kat tayar kerusi roda tu (when all this while he never care). On Thursday, he didn't came out from his room at all. Mama did knocked few time through out the day tapi mama ingatkan dia tidur, or maybe dia dah bangun tapi mama tak perasan. One of his habit is to lock his room from inside so memang susah nak tau whether he's sleeping or awake. Came to Friday morning, he still didn't came out so mama dah rasa tak sedap hati. Mama asked Amin to break the door. When Amin and his friend broke the door, they found out Lan's body lying on his mattress, turning blue. He has left us by the time they found his body. Mama's story made me cry harder. I feel a very sharp pain inside knowing that my brother might be stuggling with pain before he passed away, and he was all alone. I keep on thinking that I should be there that time.. Same like mak ngah, mama keep on asking me untuk sabar, istighfar..everytime she heard me crying. I asked mama to wait for me before performing the funeral, but mama said she prefer to settle it as soon as possible. Doctor confirmed that Lan has passed away about 12 hours before they found him due to heart attack. For that duration of time, it is not a good idea to keep the body for some more time. So, bila aku fikir secara rasional, yea, i shouldn't be selfish and asked them to wait for me. Aku tak sanggup nak siksa jenazah Lan so aku cakap kat mama, "Takpe lah, tak payah tunggu kakak.."
The rest of the day was a history, I arrived Penang at 11 pm that night, everything has settled, all my uncles, aunties, cousins were at my house, everybody were there except Lan. On Monday morning, I went to visit his grave, I recited ya'sin for him and that is the second time I cried again.
Adik,
Semua yang berlaku ni sebenarnya macam mimpi untuk mama, kakak, amin dan seluruh keluarga kita. Pemergian adik memang tak terduga lansung, dan pemergian adik buat semua orang sedih, membuktikan betapa semua orang sayang kan adik. Kakak redha adik pergi. Kakak doakan kesejahteraan adik di sana. Walaupun dalam hati kakak masih sedih dan terkilan sebab tak sempat jumpa adik, tapi kakak yakin rancangan Allah adalah yang terbaik untuk kita semua. Kita akan jumpa lagi di akhirat nanti.. Insyaallah.. Damailah adik di sana. Kami akan kekal merindui adik, abah dan Jiji..
Al - Fatihah
(Nur Azlan bin Md Baki - 04.03.1978 - 30.11.2012)
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