Kehilangan ketiga...

It's been few days that aku rasa nak menulis tentang ini.. Just that I'm a bit busy with my work so asyik la tertangguh.

For those who knew, it has been 17 days that my second brother passed away. Aku masih lagi bersedih..inside. I'm trying as much as I can not to show it to anybody. Neither my family, nor to my friends. I just act like I'm ok. Nobody knows that I'm still thinking about it, grieving on it and last nite, dreamt about him.

I was in Sarawak that day, 30th November, 2012.

Malam sebelum tu aku mimpi yang anak kepada kakak sepupu aku meninggal. He still a small boy, so pagi 30 November tu aku dok terfikir kan mimpi tu sambil berkata dalam hati, "panjang umur Aiman (sebab firasat orang mengatakan kalau kita mimpi seseorang meninggal, maksudnya orang yang dimimpikan tu akan panjang umur.. Wallahua'lam)"..

I didn't feel anything weird that day, just that I'm so excited to go back to KL and started planning to go to Bentong with my friend on the next day to eat durian. Few days before that, aku plan nak balik Penang, I already browse the flight schedule to fly directly from LCCT (after arriving from Sibu), last minit aku ubah fikiran. Sebab aku rasa sangat rushing kalau nak balik direct on the same day I arrived from Sibu. So, masa tu terfikir, better balik next week je coz I plan to buy IKEA's meatball for my brothers too.

Around 11:30 am aku terima call dari mak ngah dan Ejah (cousin). Tapi aku tak dapat nak pick up the call coz tengah meeting. And then mak ngah sent sms suruh aku call back sebab ada emergency. I had so many bad experience with the word EMERGENCY, so received a text message with an emergency statement is something yang akan buat jantung aku berdegup kencang. Without delay, aku call handphone mak ngah tapi line tak clear. So I went down, go out from the office and aku call handphone Ejah pulak. I'm not so sure whether line tak clear or Ejah was crying, all i can hear from her that time was "Amin...Amin..".. Lagi lah aku panik thinking what has happened to Amin? That time, it doesn't occur to my mind AT ALL, that the news I will receive is about Lan, my second brother. Ejah passed her phone to mak ngah, and until today, I still remember each word that mak ngah said to me, "Mak ngah on the way nak pi Cameron Highland, lepas tu Amin call, dia bagitau abang Lan meninggal..". I don't know how to explain what I felt that time. Aku terduduk kat tapak tiang ofis tu, and I was crying, asking mak ngah whether it's true. Otak aku tak boleh proses the news that time.. I don't understand how it happened and why it has to happened. I was thinking why he left me before I go back to Penang? Why he didn't tell me he was sick like my other brothers did? The last time I met him was on 19th November, 2 weeks before he passed away, why he didn't showed any sign that time? All the stupid questions occured to my mind and make me cried harder. And I was all alone that time, no families around, just few friends that I just knew during this project, make me feel like I'm going to collapse that time. I can't remember the rest of my conversation with mak ngah, yang aku ingat cuma mak ngah keep on saying, "sabar kakak, istighfar banyak2.." and I keep on crying.

After that aku call mama. Mama was so calm, telling me what has happened. Mama kata malam Khamis tu Lan masuk tidur lepas berbual dengan Amin dan mama. Mama kata malam tu dia asyik bergurau dengan Amin, sama-sama tengok gambar burung (their passion) kat internet, and laughed together. And malam tu jugak dia bawak kerusi roda mama, isi angin kat tayar kerusi roda tu (when all this while he never care). On Thursday, he didn't came out from his room at all. Mama did knocked few time through out the day tapi mama ingatkan dia tidur, or maybe dia dah bangun tapi mama tak perasan. One of his habit is to lock his room from inside so memang susah nak tau whether he's sleeping or awake. Came to Friday morning, he still didn't came out so mama dah rasa tak sedap hati. Mama asked Amin to break the door. When Amin and his friend broke the door, they found out Lan's body lying on his mattress, turning blue. He has left us by the time they found his body. Mama's story made me cry harder. I feel a very sharp pain inside knowing that my brother might be stuggling with pain before he passed away, and he was all alone. I keep on thinking that I should be there that time.. Same like mak ngah, mama keep on asking me untuk sabar, istighfar..everytime she heard me crying. I asked mama to wait for me before performing the funeral, but mama said she prefer to settle it as soon as possible. Doctor confirmed that Lan has passed away about 12 hours before they found him due to heart attack. For that duration of time, it is not a good idea to keep the body for some more time. So, bila aku fikir secara rasional, yea, i shouldn't be selfish and asked them to wait for me. Aku tak sanggup nak siksa jenazah Lan so aku cakap kat mama, "Takpe lah, tak payah tunggu kakak.."

The rest of the day was a history, I arrived Penang at 11 pm that night, everything has settled, all my uncles, aunties, cousins were at my house, everybody were there except Lan. On Monday morning, I went to visit his grave, I recited ya'sin for him and that is the second time I cried again.

Adik,
Semua yang berlaku ni sebenarnya macam mimpi untuk mama, kakak, amin dan seluruh keluarga kita. Pemergian adik memang tak terduga lansung, dan pemergian adik buat semua orang sedih, membuktikan betapa semua orang sayang kan adik. Kakak redha adik pergi. Kakak doakan kesejahteraan adik di sana. Walaupun dalam hati kakak masih sedih dan terkilan sebab tak sempat jumpa adik, tapi kakak yakin rancangan Allah adalah yang terbaik untuk kita semua. Kita akan jumpa lagi di akhirat nanti.. Insyaallah.. Damailah adik di sana. Kami akan kekal merindui adik, abah dan Jiji..

Al - Fatihah
(Nur Azlan bin Md Baki - 04.03.1978 - 30.11.2012)

Monolog keyakinan

Jalan satu kaki
Cuba untuk berdiri
Guna satu tangan
Tahan dari tumbang
Lihat sekeliling
Ku lawan rasa terpencil
Ada dua tangan
Ada dua kaki
Aku pasti mampu berlari

-Nuin-
Sibu, 28112012

Worse headache experience

I'm suppose be sleeping now sebab pagi nanti nak pegi keja, tapi mata still tak nak pejam.. Sbb siang  tadi cuti so mata ni jadi lupa diri sikit.. And I'm suppose be packing also coz TSO dah cakap esok dia datang ambik aku and terus balik Penang, but I'm too tired to do so. Packing adalah perkara yang paling malas untuk aku buat and this time nak kena packing banyak benda coz I'll be going to Sarawak for 2 weeks, direct from Penang (flight transit kat KL la tapi I'll just wait in LCCT on that day).. Aghh..lagi lah bercinta nak packing..

Yesterday I had a very bad headache. Tapi aku pegi keja jugak, bila sampai ofis dah tak tahan sangat aku pegi panel clinic kat building sebelah ofis. Bila doctor check, dah tau dah that my blood pressure is going up high. Aku bgtau doctor jugak yang aku rasa mcm ada angin tak keluar dari badan and it makes me uncomfortable. Tapi doctor tu tak percaya aku, he thinks it related to muscle, bukan angin.. So tak dapat la ubat angin..ngok ngek.. During lunch hour, aku dah tak rasa nak makan nasi, so makan lauk pauk je and hot soup.. Then kawan aku bawak rambutan dtg ofis, aku makan gak sikit and that be my last meal in the office sebab aku dah start rasa makin sakit kepala.

Pukul 530 sharp aku angkat kaki dah tinggalkan ofis. Even kalau ikutkan aku masuk keja pukul 10, kena balik pukul 7, tapi aku dah tak bole tahan sakit, so gamble je lah balik awal. Dari Damansara sampai Mid Valley tu ok lagi, nak masuk ke KL-Seremban highway je, the traffic jam dah start building up.. And my headache getting worsen.. Masa tu aku dah rasa nak muntah semua cukup tapi cepat2 aku masukkan sweets dalam mulut kononnya nak hilangkan rasa loya tu. Haihh..sebab aku tak pernah accidentally vomit selama ni, aku tak tau yang rasa nak muntah tu tak boleh di tahan-tahan.. Elok masuk je ke KL-Seremban highway, I can feel that rasa nak muntah tu dah sampai hujung tekak. Meragau la tangan aku masa tu cari plastik dalam kereta.. Luckily I found one! Dapat je plastik, semua food yang aku makan that day keluar habis.. I can't remember how I vomit and drove at the same time, and I don't even bother samada kereta sebelah kiri kanan tengok aku ke tak. Bila dah ok sikit, I stopped by at the nearest petrol station, beli a can of Coke sebab kawan-kawan aku pesan suruh minum Coke untuk keluarkan angin. Tapi aku tak berani minum dalam kereta takut muntah lagi. Sampai rumah, dengan susah payahnya aku habiskan setin Coke tu (I don't like soft drinks!), and lepas tu setin Coke tu jugak la yang aku muntahkan balik. 

Huhuuu...it's the worse headache ever!!

Moral of the stories, I learn that there are 2 things (based on my experience) that cannot be controlled with your mind.. 
1. Tidur disebabkan oleh ubat selsema (suraya mesti ingat kes aku tido kat kedai mamak lepas makan ubat selsema...hihi)
2. Muntah sebab sakit kepala

Lepas ni kena selalu spare plastik dalam kereta la nampaknya...

Cinta Mati

Hari ni cuti so temankan TSO pegi tukar tayar and rim for his new car. We went to one tyre and rim shop kat Sunway, while waiting aku nampak Noorkumalasari and her son came to the same shop. So I just told TSO that aku nampak Noorkumalasari at the waiting lounge and she still look gorgeous in the black jubah and tudung.

On the way back, TSO asked me:

TSO: Yang dulu orang cakap Sudirman dengan Noorkumalasari tu, diorang bercinta ke?

So aku pun berdasarkan pembacaan sebelum ni explained to him,

ME: Tak la, they're close friends. Noorkumalasari's face iras-iras mcm Sudirman's ex-wife.

TSO: Sudirman ada ex wife?

ME: Yup, diorang bercinta dari zaman sekolah. Tapi time Sudirman top, wife dia mintak cerai. Tapi Sudirman memang cinta mati kat ex dia tu, sebab tu dia tak re-married sampai akhir hayat dia.

TSO: You cinta mati tak kat i?

Errkk.. sejak bila pandai jiwang mamat ni???

Momento Aidil Adha

Mood cuti hari raya haji masih lagi bersarang dalam kepala otak aku ni.. Hehe.. 5 hari bercuti, maunya tak rasa macam nak sambung terus ke seminggu. Supposed aku cuti Khamis till Ahad, and Isnin back to work. Tapi sebabkan cuti raya haji tu fall on Friday that lead to a long weekend, makanya hari Ahad tu traffic jam from Penang to KL adalah super duper mega. Aku gerak dari Penang pukul 5:30 petang hari Ahad, aku sampai rumah aku pukul 4:00 pagi hari Isnin!! Dah la stop sekali je for toilet break. Tu pun sebab tak tahan sangat dah, kalau boleh tahan agaknya aku simpan balik kencing kat rumah je. The traffic jam was disastrous! Start dari Juru untill reached Slim River, average speed 50 km/h. Confirm takde speeding ticket! With that, I have a good excuse to continue my leave on Monday.. Hehe..gila penat kot nak masuk office. I just text my project manager, told him that I'm too tired after the long drive so I want to take leave, and he's OK with it. Pheww...

My hari raya haji was quite ok.. Malam raya I was helping mama masak rendang, bake a cake dan biskut samprit. That's all our menu for 1st day raya. Haha.. Samprit tu pun ada cerita sebenarnya. Mama memang suka makan samprit dan terer buat samprit. Most of the time she only loves her self-made samprit. Jadinya, masa hari raya Aidilfitri baru-baru ni, anak cousin aku (which is my nephew) datang beraya kat rumah kitorang sambil menangis-nangis nak makan samprit (he's around 6 years old by the way). And to make the situation worse, raya Aidilfitri tahun ni mama tak buat pun kuih samprit! In the end my younger brother went to one of his friend's house and asked for some kuih samprit. Dapat la sebekas... hahaha.. sampai kena gi mintak rumah orang! Jadinya this Aidiladha mama terus buat kuih samprit untuk 'cucu' dia tu lah. Siap pesan kat aku masa nak beli cherry tu, "jangan ambil cherry hijau, Fariz tak makan. Ambil yang merah aja..".. alahai.. tu baru disebabkan cucu saudara, belum lagi cucu dari anak sendiri.. Tapi tak tau la sebab fenomena si Fariz ke apa, raya kali ni semua orang nak makan samprit (including me!), samprit mama buat sebalang besar tu sekejap je dah tinggal suku!

First day raya, my officemate came to my house to pick up lemang yg she pesan from me. Lemang ni aku beli kat Bangi.. memang sgt sedap. When I told my friend ni, dia pun order jugak sebatang. Because of her husband's parent stay at the same kampung with me (which aku tak kenal pun siapa), so dia suruh aku bawak balik Penang dulu and pagi raya tu dia datang ambil. She came with her husband and when the husband introduce himself to mama, baru la aku tau husband dia tu second cousin aku! What a small world... Happened to be, arwah datuk husband dia adalah abang arwah datuk aku. Bapak husband dia adalah sepupu arwah abah aku. Anyhow, it feels great jugak to know that coz aku agak close juga dengan my officemate ni, so rasa happy la bila tau yang we are related.. Hehe.. Petang raya as usual balik Kedah.. Kat Kedah pun sunyi sepi sebab semua adik beradik yang lain tak balik. So rasa macam sessi balik kampung yg biasa aja..

Raya ke dua aku jemput my relatives datang rumah.. Just buat small gathering and makan-makan. Mama masak mi kari yang sedap, aku tolong sikit2 la, tapi observed dengan full attention..hehe..rasanya macam lepas ni kalau orang suruh buat mi kari pun aku reti dah. And aku beli sebiji cake untuk celebrate birthday Adni yang ke 2 tahun. That girl sekarang asyik membebel aja mulut dia. Dah pandai nyanyi jugak dengan suara halus dia tu. Dok ulang menyanyi lagu 'sudah cukup sudah'.. even dia banyak jerit kat word yang hujung-hujung je. I really love family gathering.. specially bila penuh dengan sepupu-sepupu dan anak-anak sedara yang kecik-kecik tu.. Melayan diorg je rasa hilang letih memasak whole day..hehe..

Raya ke tiga pun tak pergi mana. Just teman mama pergi beli groceries and then petangnya aku drove back to KL. Drove slowly back to KL, that's the exact word!!

Trust destroyed!

Few days ago I already made the preparation for it. People says, you need to have a good knowledge in doing something, so I occupied myself with all the required knowledge.. The fastest and cheapest teacher I can get, mr. Google! Ok, follow what teacher said. Find the best website that will teach me what I need to know...

Ok, found it!!
culinaryarts.about.com
Coolness.. How I arrived to this website? Yea, I google, "How to cook a steak".. This will be my first time EVER cooking a steak.

Teacher said, find a good part of meat (in my mind.. Wagyu! Tak nak kalah ni). Teacher said the marinate ingredient no need to be so fancy. Just ground black pepper and KOSHER salt. Ok.. What the hell is KOSHER salt. I cannot verbally ask my teacher coz mr. Google didn't speak back to me. Suddenly I remember Cold Storage.. Most of the imported cooking ingredient can be bought from there.. Ok, decided! I will go to Cold Storage.

Friday I went to Cold Storage. Berangan nak beli Wagyu. I was thinking if I spent RM70-90 for wagyu beef it will still be worth it, eating at Las Vacas cost me RM150, and the way they cook it look so simple but tasty. So, i'm sure I can cook like them as well, at a cheaper cost!

Unfortunately, there's no wagyu at Cold Storage (after this, it's a fortunate actually). I remember seeing one at Jaya Grocer, Empire Mall dulu. Tak pe lah, find the next best that they have. Rib Eye! Actually I knew nothing about beef parts coz I'm not a big fan of beef, but I remember people always mentioned 'sirloin', 'rib eye'...so I have to choose between sirloin and rib eye.. Hmm, rib eye cost a bit high than sirloin, so i think rib eye must be tastier than sirloin. Ok, buy rib eye. This is my first self made steak, so everything must be perfect! Thinking of having mash potato and black pepper gravy, ask teacher again (mr. Google), ughh what teacher shows looks like a bit leceh to prepare. Finally I queued at the cashier counter, with a basket full of stuff, including ready made black pepper gravy and mash potato (just add hot water).. And salt!

Oh ya, forgot to tell about the KOSHER salt, the main character in this story. I was going round and round the Cold Storage, trying to find the KOSHER salt, when me in the first place was absolutely clueless about what the hell is KOSHER salt! In the end give up cause tak nampak lansung rupa KOSHER salt kat situ, I google (again!).. KOSHER salt in Malaysia.. Hehe.. All kind of salt strories came out on my phone screen, Himalaya Pink salt la, Rock Salt la.. Eh, tak pernah lagi in my life standing so long at the salt area!! That's the first time!! And I came across this website (cannot recall the name), where this person said, "Kosher salt tu sama lah dengan garam kasar kat Malaysia".. Huh!! Cakap la garam kasar!!!


Ini KOSHER salt

Cut the story short, dah dapat semua ingredient (plus Coarse Salt cap Burung Layang-Layang to replace the KOSHER salt), I went back, happily. The thing with this KOSHER salt is that, according to the culinaryart.about.com, i need to use it GENEROUSLY masa nak marinate daging tu. Dia kata the common mistakes that home cooks make is undersalting the steak. So, kalau marinate dengan KOSHER salt kena letak banyak2. If you use table salt then just letak half of the portion for KOSHER salt. So, me, believing that the COARSE SALT (garam kasar) and KOSHER SALT ARE THE SAME, dengan murah hati nya menabur garam kasar ke atas daging steak tu, and perap for 2 days.. Yea, u heard me right, perap dgn garam yang banyak for 2 days..

Tonight, after balik keja, I was so tak sabar to cook my steak. Keluarkan dari fridge, left it for 30 minutes, press the ground black pepper onto the meat (another stupidity, now when I think about it, I think the website actually expect people to still grind the pepper before put it on the meat), brush some butter, olive oil.. Heat the pan, put the meat.. And started imagine that my steak will taste like Las Vacas' steak.

Siap masak, angkat.. And sediakan black pepper gravy and mash potato, sekejap je coz just add in hot water! Btw, I don't have the steak picture, punya lah tak sabar nak makan..

First cut, a bit frustrated coz the steak was well done.. Haihh.. I want it medium well. Tak pe lah, take a bite first..

Pfffttttt!!!!

It was TOO SALTY!!! TOO TOO SALTY!!! AIR LAUT PUNYA MASIN NIH!!

I'm so speechless that time. And clueless jugak tak tau nak buat apa. Nasib baik I just cook one piece. I still got another piece in the fridge..but marinated as well.

Aghhh,...stupid google!! Coarse salt is not KOSHER salt ok!! Not!

Finally, I wash the piece that haven't been cooked (really really wash) and marinate it again with honey.. And the one that I have cooked, I boiled it with water and apple cider, and then rinse it. Still salty but boleh la telan.. Huhuuu.. Dari nak makan steak jadi makan daging rebus..

I hope the one that I 're-marinate' with honey will turn better when I cook it later (maybe another 2, 3 days). Well, it better be good cause I think this will be THE LAST time I cook steak.. Don't even bother to try anymore!

Moral of the story, don't simply trust Google!!!



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Losing...

I'm working today.. Luckily tak banyak sangat issue so aku lepak je kat client office ni, makan dan resolve small-small issue yang tak sampai tahap menyakitkan kepala. Tapi bilik ni sejuk nak mampus..rasa jari-jemari semua dah beku, kebas...grrrrrr....

Working life has been very hectic lately. Few weeks before project go live and now after project go live, we've been working for 6 to 7 days a week, sampai satu tahap dah tak kenal rupa matahari.. It's so tiring and bila dah tired, emosi pun mula la nak tercabar. It's hard to let go your emotion in the office, sebab kat office kena be professional, so most of the time the emotion will be letting out on personal stuff. Even not related, it'll just blew off!

Lot's of things that hurt me nowadays.. Families, relationship, my ownself.. I don't know where to start and I don't know where to end it. And being a person who always keep things to myself, all these became a very big emotional burden to me.. Memang tak tercapai la cita-cita nak jadi psychologist macam ni, own issue pun tak terdaya nak handle.

Sometimes I wonder, when is it that I started losing the 'old me'? When is it that I started to become so fragile? When is it that I started to become so dependent to others? And sometimes I hate this side of me. I shouldn't let others determine my happiness. I shouldn't let others become the caused of my sadness...